Severely MessedUp Tekken 5 Endings
by Bob the Magical Tortoise
Summary: Just what the title says. It's got some spoilers, so read at your own risk. Now rated T for a couple of, shall we say, risque insinuations? Now COMPLETE.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own Tekken. However, I am the new owner of a brand-spanking new copy of the incredible Tekken 5, as of Friday. I do not own any of the TV shows mentioned in these snippets, nor would I want to. It's not like I watch them.

A/N: Well, this is my first Tekken fanfic. BTW, I used to call myself juliarules, just so you know. Yeah, I know everyone does these, but I just needed something to do. Basically just what the title says: messed up versions of the Tekken 5 endings. Without further ado, here is Asuka's.

"Wheeeee! I beat the bad man who killed my daddy AND I beat up that creepy old guy!" said Asuka, squealing with joy from her victory.

"Hey, where's that weirdo with the horns and, and raven wings, and tattoos?" she suddenly wondered, "Oooh, there you are!" she said as she saw Devil Jin.

As she walked toward his prostrate body, his wickedly sharp, curved horns slid back into his head with the sound a sword makes when it's being sheathed. While this was happening, purple Gatorade sprayed Asuka.

"Ewwww, it's all sticky. Why'd you have to use Gatorade?"

Because we could. Now shut up.

His tattoos vanished and the large black wings shrank, and then disappeared as his breathing became more regular. Wait, regular? Oh no…

"Must be the Metamucil I gave him!" Asuka said cheerily with a big cheesy grin on her face.

Asuka, stop that. You aren't supposed to be able to hear me, or, in fact, know that I'm here.

"… I don't get it," she said.

Oh, for…

"Hey! Don't insult me!"

Asuka…

"Fine."

Good then, moving on.

"Ahem… Hey you, are you all right?"

"Huh… WHO WHAT WHERE WHEN HOW WHY!" Jin babbled. As he stood up he stumbled and knocked Asuka down, before falling down as well, with his face in… Well, if you've seen the video, you know where I'm talking about, but I'd like to keep this rating as low as possible. ANYway, he landed there.

Doo-da-doooooo. Um, Jin? About time to get up. Jin? A pinecone just blew by. Jin? You alive there? Jin? How long are you going to be lying there, cause I wanna get a drink down at the pub.

Meanwhile, Asuka stood up rather quickly, yelling, "Pervert!" before doing one of her strongest moves on him. Jin flew back into a large boulder, cleaving it in two, as Asuka walked home with a smile.

"What just happened…" Jin asked stupidly.

You enjoyed life too much you fool.

"Oh…"

A/N: Well that sucked. Maybe the next one will be better, but I doubt it. Next is Raven.

"Mission complete," Raven said to his headset in a monotone voice.

"Good. Return to base," replied his commander. But Raven wasn't listening. He brought out his portable television and turned on PBS. The sounds of an ugly (and very frightening) purple dinosaur singing a song about love and other stuff traveled through the air.

"I love you, You love me, we're a happy family…" Raven had started singing before his commander walked up behind him and whacked Raven in the head.

"What?" said a bewildered Raven.

"You're a freakin secret agent man. You are NOT, repeat NOT, supposed to be watching Barney! You are SUPPOSED to be standing on a fighter plane, acting cool while it flies back to base!"

"Wh, what about Spongebob…"

"… No."

"Fairly OddParents?"

"NO!"

"Teen Titans?"

"Better, but NO!"

"Nick Jr.?"

"No!" said the commander as he smashed the portable TV with a randomly appearing sledgehammer (courtesy of Randomly Appearing Sledgehammers, inc).

"Wh, why did you do that! You're so MEAN!" cried Raven.

"Just… get on the plane,"

"Fine, but I want a cookie,"

"…"

A/N: Wow, I was right. That last one DID suck. Feel free to flame me. Next is Ganryu!

Ganryu had destroyed the eeeeeeeevil Jinpachi and taken the forest regeneration data disk from the dust that was once a corpse. Then the enormous blue whale of a sumo wrestler put it in his little diaper thing.

Once back at the Zaibatsu hotel, he called Julia and arranged a meeting on the riverfront, upon which he went to a little vending machine in the lobby and bought one of those little twenty-five cent plastic rings and a small velvet box from the jewelers to put it in. Why? Because he's cheap.

At the riverfront the next night, Julia actually came. When Ganryu saw her, he pulled the forest regeneration data disk out of the front of his little diaper thing.

"Julia, this is the forest regeneration data,"

Idiot, I just said that.

"But it's in the script!"

Oh… I guess it is. Carry on.

"Julia, this is the forest regeneration data. Please, take it,"

"I'm not gonna touch that! It was in your diaper! Gross!" Julia said.

"Take it! Without it you can never fulfill your dreams of reforestation!"

"Dude, you aren't going to get me to touch something that's been in your diaper for who knows how long!"

"But you must!"

"HARRASSMENT! I'll see you in court!"

"But Julia…"

But it was too late. She was gone.

_Two months later, on Judge Judy…_

"Now Miss Julia Chang, you say that Mr. Ganryu here tried to force you to take a data disk that you needed that had been in his stupid little diaper thing for almost two days, correct?" said Judge Judy.

"Yes that's correct. Not only that, but he proposed to me with a cheap plastic ring!" replied Julia, looking scornfully at Ganryu.

"Horrible. Ganryu is sentenced to the death penalty for doing all that!" said Judge Judy.

"…You can actually do that here?" said Ganryu, looking around at the tacky courtroom.

"I can now. AND DON'T QUESTION ME!" Judge Judy screamed.

"…Crap,"

A/N: Why am I writing this? It sucks. Ummm, lessee, Jack-5 next I guess.

"As soon as I press this key, Jack should have his memory back," said Jane, who was eating a big sloppy burrito. Suddenly, the burrito spilled on the keyboard. She tried to mop it up, but accidentally hit the wrong key. Jack awoke and started smashing everything.

"Now remember, what's a piece of total crap can't hurt you, what's a piece of total crap can't hurt you!" whispered Jane from her hiding place. Suddenly, there was a loud rumble. Suddenly, I must stop using the word "suddenly." Suddenly, I wonder why I can't stop using this stupid word. Anyway, the rumble was coming from the misplaced voice box near Jack's butt. He had eaten the remains of the burrito. As soon as the beans were out of his system, he regained his memories and picked Jane up, very weirdly. Hopefully platonically. I don't want to know if not.

…And that's the end. What, you expected something longer? Well too bad.

A/N: Ok, that was both short and crappy. Someone please kill me before I write anymore. Next is Roger Jr.

Roger Jr. had finally found Dr. Bosconovitch's lab where he suspected his father was. The lab was trashed, like someone had trashed it, he thought. Roger Jr. wasn't exactly the smartest kangaroo in Japan. Anyway, he found a door with a sign that said "NO UNAUTHORIZED ADMITTANCE, BY ORDER OF YOUR MASTER, LORD BOSCONOVITCH!"

Roger Jr., with his great brain, decided that he would enter the wide-open doorway. Once inside, he saw a picture of his dad playing with Roger Jr. Going further, he saw some tapes with unspeakable names, lots of "Kangaroo Light" bottles strewn all over the place, and a TV. On the TV was Ling Xiaoyu's Tekken 3 ending. You know, the crappy one about the amusement park? Anyway, I must stop saying anyway. On the couch facing the television was Roger Sr., lying down after a hard time using a PlayStation controller with his boxing gloves. Bosconovitch must've been cheap, though. Roger Sr. only had a PS1. Roger Jr. was infuriated. Tekken 3 was his favorite game, and he had wondered where it had gone. It had disappeared at the same time Roger Sr. had.

Roger Jr. cleared his throat and got his father's attention. As Roger Sr. turned around, he met a yellow boxing glove and flew through the ceiling. Roger Jr. opened the PlayStation, took out the Tekken 3 disc, and put it back into its case. Then he left.

A/N: That's all for this chapter. Remember to read and review my sucky little story.


	2. Return of the Default Chapter

A/N: I'm amazed. I actually got positive reviews! Anonymous, that was the first flame I've ever gotten. It'll be saved with the gunk under my fridge for all eternity. Everyone else, thanks for the praise, I had a little trouble trying to get my new ego through the door, but I managed, seeing as I'm sitting here typing out a new chapter… Must…resist…urge…to…prattle…on…

Paul

"RAAAA! I'M STRONG!" shouted Paul as he broke a brick wall with the face of an alien drawn on it, in a cheap imitation of his Tekken one ending, I might add.

"I'M STRONG! I'M STUPID! I'M CHEAP AS HECK! I CAN BULLCRAP MY WAY OUT OF ANYTHING! I DIDN'T SETTLE MY RIVALRY WITH KAZUYA, BECAUSE NAMCO SEEMS TO HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT THAT, BUT I BEAT HIS GRANDFATHER WHO WAS CHEAPER THAN ME! BRING IT ON YA FREAKIN ALIENS! BOOYAKA!" he shouted, his voice being transmitted to a satellite in orbit, which forwarded the message on too the freakin aliens.

The aliens, hearing the immensely stupid human, replied, "Ok," and blew up the planet. Small price to pay to see Paul die.

Paul woke up, and found that his hair had shielded him from the blast. Now he was stranded in space. The aliens picked him up, and tried to dissect his hair, but they couldn't cut into it. Then he just rammed them with his hair, followed by repeated burning fists and hammers of the gods. The aliens begged him to stop being such a cheap, but he didn't. He's probably floating out there to this day.

Law

"Uhhh, broke again…" said Law, walking out of some building that looks like it's in the slums.

"You're telling me," said Steve and Nina, who just happened to be walking by.

"Stupid Namco. We don't like being broke, dangit!" said Steve.

"Well, Bryan does," Nina replied. I really need to get more synonyms.

"That's true. Why Namco, why!"

"…You people are crazy," Law said, coming out of his shock at their random appearance.

"Yeah, but we're top tier baby, so don't mess with us!" said Nina.

"I'll break your face!" said Steve.

"RAAAAGH! THAT'S MY LINE YOU LITTLE BOXER! I'M GONNA BEAT THE CRAP OUTTA YA!" said Marduk, falling out of the sky. Randomly. And stuff.

"Riiiiight," Steve said, laying Marduk out with a single punch, "Jeez, I didn't even hit 'im that hard. Weakling." Steve and Nina walked off without another remark, while Bryan stormed around in the background killing random people with his broken self.

"I sure hope I don't have to go back to scrubbing dishes again…" Marshall said.

"DID SOMEONE SAY SCRUB!" Jinpachi asked, running up, "TEH LORD AND MASTER OF ALL SCRUBS AND N00BS IS IN THE HOUSE!"

"Shut up," said Law, who KO'd Jinpachi with a swift Dragon Uppercut.

Suddenly, Paul rode up on a rusty old bike, which promptly fell apart, leaving Paul to fall on his hair. Stupid hair. It shielded him from harm. He showed Marshall a bill from the bike shop of over thirty thousand dollars, with Marshall's name written in the little "bill to" line thing.

"C'mon man pay the bill already…" Paul said pathetically. Whiner.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Marshall screamed, before going into a fight screen, complete with health meters and Forrest's Tekken 3 music. Doing a dragon uppercut to KO Paul with, Marshall ran away until blackness enclosed everything but a little circle around his face, and soon even that was black.

Heihachi

Jinpachi awoke, and realized that he was changed to something big. Something big and very definitely white. Time out for you to have your dirty thoughts. I'm trying to keep the rating down dangit! Anyway, he noticed Kazuya and Jin, who for some reason or another he recognized even though I'm pretty sure he never met Jin. Anyway, they were chained to the big white thing also. As they put up a valiant struggle for freedom, the thing—now revealed to be a rocket—started to lift off. Heihachi watched through binoculars as his family went to the moon, and laughed.

"Can't wait to see them try an electric wind godfist there…"

Lee

"Hello, welcome to poolside bar and grill, may I take your order… Why the heck am I in a thong!" Heihachi exclaimed, "And why are you here, Lee!"

"I whupped Grampa remember?" Lee said, "And you're in a thong cause I want you in a thong. Now spank me like in Tekken Tag!"

"…Eww. You pervert, I'm your father!"

"Adopted father. So what, everyone knew I was gay when I did that little "Violet" thing in the King of Iron Fist 4, and now everyone knows that I like fugly old men,"

"…What'd you do with Jinpachi?" Heihachi said with more than a little trepidation.

(SCENE MISSING, BECAUSE IT IS WAY TOO FRIGHTENING FOR A HUMOR FANFICTION)

"…anyway," Lee said, adopting a Chinese accent suddenly, "Two fingers,"

"I GOT YOUR TWO FINGERS RIGHT HERE YOU LITTLE censored!" Heihachi said, using one on each hand. Lee promptly made his adopted father's bow tie spin like Roger Rabbit, upon which Heihachi blew up. Before blowing up, Heihachi had a flashback.

"AAAAAAAH! KAZUYA!" he screamed in his flashback, before exploding on top of a mushroom cloud. Raven appeared saying, "Heihachi Mishima…is dea… Wait, never mind, there he is," Then Heihachi died.

Lee pranced around as Violet for a while, then went to testify on Michael Jackson's behalf, with the testimony of "He is no more of a pervert than I am," causing Jackson to be convicted. Actually, the fact that Michael Jackson touches little boys might have played a part in that too, but Lee certainly didn't help anything.

Feng

Feng Wei, having defeated Jinpachi, looked inside the resulting crater to find the lost Shinken scrolls, detailing the secrets of godfist, that he was searching for. Opening the first scroll, a little dragon came off the page and went into his eye.

"HOLY SHICKING FRAP! THAT HURT!" the Kenpo master screamed, "STUPID DRAGON GET OUTTA MY EYE DANGIT!"

Feng walked away from the ruins of Hon-Maru and came back with a pair of tweezers. Failing to get the dragon out with that, he picked up several other, um, mechanisms, but nothing worked, as, coincidentally, none of them was designed to get a paper dragon out of a Chinese Kenpo master's eye. Finally, he plucked his eyeball out, shook it until the stupid little dragon popped out, then carefully placed his eyeball back into the socket. After that, he pulverized the dragon trying to fly back into his eye, shattering some randomly appearing mountain in the process.

Jinpachi

"So no one could stop the cheapness of my fighting style…" Jinpachi said, "Crap. Guess I'll have to do that final transformation thing," he said. Suddenly, "HOLY SHICKING FRAP! THOSE censored WHITE CRYSTALS censored HURT WHEN THEY POP OUT OF YOUR BODY! censored OW!

Bye-bye world...

Devil Jin

"MWAHAHHAHAAA! I HAVE THE POWER!" Devil Jin said after kicking Jinpachi's fugly old butt, "THE TRANSFORMATION IS MAKING ME CRY WITH ITS BRILLIANCE! MWAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA! Crap, my mascara's running,"

Bye-bye world... Again.

Eddy/Christie

"Hey, Eddy, the operating sign just went out!" Christie said in a voice that was strangely different from her Tekken 4 voice.

"Shhh. Can't you see I'm trying to remove this patients writers cramp?" he said, as a buzzing sound filled the air, "Aw crap. I'm going towards the light, Christie... I can't help myself... It's so beautiful..."

"Frickin' operating room's bright lights," Christie said.

"Oh. That's what that is,"

_a few weeks later..._

Eddy and Christie were practicing Capoeira, or something. So sue me, I don't know how to spell it. Anyway, Christie sent a strong kick towards Eddy's head, and connected. Hard. Eddy hit the pool deck before falling into the water.

"CUT!" said the director, who randomly appeared to direct, "Christie's grandfather, you were supposed to catch her leg! Where the heck is he!"

He's over there, passed out with a smile and... ewww. I don't think anyone here needed to see that.

The director walked over to slap Christie's grandfather awake.

"You sick pervert," he said, "That's your friggin granddaughter there you freak! I give up. I'm going back to directing Ben Affleck, these people show too many creepy emotions,"

Marduk

Marduk was crowned the newest King of the Iron Fist. But that didn't satisfy him. So they also crowned him Miss America, Miss USA, and Miss Universe. That still didn't satisfy him, though he was proud to hold such honors. He challenged fighters day and night. Hmmm, is he compensating for something perhaps? I'll leave that up to you to decide, this chapter has probably already upgraded the rating to T. Anyway, his latest, immensely stupid I might add, challenge was during the middle of a boxing match. He jumped in the ring, beat the crap out of the old referee, and told the two boxers to come at him and get some. The boxers were creeped out by this, but they wanted to get his butt out of the ring. The idiots were caught in the even-stupider Marduk's hands. After squeezing for a couple of minutes, he banged them together (get those dirty thoughts outta your head!) and proceeded to rip the ring's elastic... strap... things in half. He shouted to keep the camera on him. Now Steve Fox, the top tier broken boxer was watching. And that's all he did. He got up with an angry look on his face right around when Marduk was saying that he was the greatest, and no one could stop him, but that was just because he had just realized that the guy at the drink cart had given him a Diet Pepsi instead of a regular. He went and punched the guy at the drink cart's lights out. The end.

Author's Note Space Whatever

Hope you enjoyed these parodies. I don't plan on writing any more, because I've looked through the rest of them and realized that they're all either unmockable in their stupidity, or just to funny already to make any improvement. Oh, and if you liked this, you might want to check out my Mortal Kombat fic, it's somewhat similar. Remember to review!


	3. Revenge of the Default Chapter

Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

A/N: Well, you made me continue. I got enough reviews saying they wanted me to keep writing this one, but I just got lazy and didn't feel like writing. Oh, and since a bunch of people asked, I'll be doing Bob this time. I'm planning to have two chapters after this, and then all of the characters will be done. One last thing: Kangaroo Light, whoever you are, I sincerely hope your Internet access is taken away as soon as possible, you frickin spammer. Ahem… enough blathering, on to the story!

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Hwora… Hwoare… BOB!

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Hwoarang was riding his motorcycle after the tournament. He had won that stupid tournament against that cheap-as-heck Jinpachi, and had even finally triumphed over his rival, Kazama Jin. But strangely, he did not feel fulfilled. Anyway, so he was riding down the highway, going the wrong way, dodging traffic, and flipping off everyone who honked at him. Except one of those people was Jin, in his Lamborghini (cause he's a rich little punk, you know?). Anyway, Jin got very mad.

"DANGIT HWOROJAOFNNFOAHOWIHE….. BOB! NOW I'M ANGRY!" he said, stupidly.

"Um, yeah, I kinda knew that already. The stupid narrator said that," said the soon-to-be-dead-for-calling-me-stupid… Bob, "Hey narrator, don't you think you've overused that "Bob" joke by now?" he said.

Nonsense. You can never overuse the "Bob" joke.

"YOU SUCK AUTHOR!" said the reviewers.

"YOU _CAN_ OVERUSE THE "BOB" JOKE!" said a few randomly appearing authors.

…What are you doing here? Get back to your respective authorspaces. This is my story. Jerks. …Now then, shall we continue?

"Eh, whatever," said Hwoarang and the half-changed Jin.

MOVING ON!

"YOU'VE ANGERED ME FOR THE LAST TIME, HWOARANG!" said Jin, finishing his transformation into Devil Jin, "I WILL NOW THROW CARS AND SHOOT LASERS AT RANDOMLY PASSING CARS! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Hey, can I join in?" said Hwoarang.

"Yeah, sure, that's fine with me," replied Devil Jin.

So they threw stuff at cars for a while. Then Hwoarang started kicking Jin's car. Devil Jin was furious.

"HWOARANG! YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE KICKED MY CAR!1!111!1!ONE!1!1ELEVEN! BEWARE! NOW I HAVE THE POWER!"

"Hey, that's something I've been meaning to ask," said Bob.

"What?"

"If you have the power, why didn't you use it in our fight earlier?" Bob asked.

"SHUT UP MORTAL AND PREPARE TO DIE!"

"It was just a simple question…" Hwoarang said, preparing to fight.

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Bryan

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"MUWAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAAA! I'M GONNA KILL YOSHIMITSU FOR NO REASON, AND RIP OFF _PREDATOR_ IN THE PROCESS! I'M SO EVIL! MUWAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!" said Bryan, with as much stealth as a semi on the freeway. Carrying a machine gun to the center of the jungle, he set it up. Then he turned on his cyborg-zombie-whatever-in-Bob's-green-urth-he-is senses and spotted Yoshi's heat signature. He started firing. Yoshi dodged all of them and reached Bryan, preparing to cleave him in two with his special superglue sword. But unfortunately, he got hit. For some reason, he was hurt, even though bullets bounce off him in Tekken 4. Oh well. Namco's just inconsistent I guess. So Yoshi hit the ground behind Bryan. Stopping the machine gun, Bryan shot Yoshi in the face.

"Ha, that was good, huh, Yoshi old buddy? …Yoshi? Yoshi! SAY SOMETHING BUDDY!" screamed Bryan.

"Um, he's kinda dead, Bryan. You just killed him, remember?" said the director, "Shot him straight in the face."

"But I thought the bullets would bounce off like in his Tekken 4 ending…"

"Yeah, well, I got news for you. He's wearing different armor now, so get used to it."

"…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Bryan into the wilderness.

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Bruce

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Bruce liked to watch little kids getting beat up. Sort of like Michael Jackson, except more violent. Anyway, that was why over twenty years ago, during the second King of Iron Fist Tournament, he punched a little kid, who was watching him from the window, straight in the face. Now, this little kid was still a little kid, and Bruce wanted to see him get beat up again. Unfortunately, he had a broken leg from the fifth King of Iron Fist Tournament. So he hired some gang members to knife the kid and beat him up while he watched from the rafters. Don't ask me why there were rafters in the alley. There was a punching bag, so why not rafters? Nothing went according to plan. Bruce watched in horror as the gang members stuck a knife into the kid's punching bag and shoved him down. Not happy with the poorly done job, Bruce went into the alley and waited until they got outside onto the sidewalk. Then he pushed them into traffic. The end.

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Xiaoyu

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During the fourth King of Iron Fist tournament, Jin came up to Kazuya and asked with a sad face, "Daddy, why don't you like Xiaoyu?"

"Well, apart from the fact that she's an hyperactive, annoying little girl, she did something to me long ago…" said Kazuya.

"What was it Daddy?"

"After she won one of the King of Iron Fist tournaments; I really don't know which one, and it probably doesn't matter; she transformed all of time and space into anime and took a time machine back to when Heihachi accidentally dropped me off a cliff. She whacked Heihachi and that made me fall…"

"Wow. Now I hate her too. But I can't kill her until she's done that lest I create a paradox and destroy the universe…" said Jin.

"Hey, son, why are we having this chat anyway? Aren't I supposed to be trying to steal your genes?"  
"Hey! You're channeling Michael Jackson! Stop it!"

"GEE-EE-EN-EE-ESS YOU IDIOT! NOT JAY-EE-AY-EN-ESS!"

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King

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King won the tournament and forgave Marduk. They even became tag-team partners. One day, in a wrestling match…

"Oh, and King's getting his butt handed to him!" screamed the announcer, "But look! Marduk just tagged in and beat the crap out of everyone!"

"CUT!" King shouted, "Who comes up with this crap anyway? I mean really, I understand that I'd be able to forgive Marduk, but never forget or have him be my tag partner! And do you even think he'd agree? So where's the guy who came up with this?"

Everyone pointed to the guy who came up with the endings, who said, "Eh-heh-heh… don't hurt me!"

"Let's get'm!" said King and Marduk in unison, "Mwahahaha!"

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Final Note: Well, this chapter be finished. Please review.


	4. Resurrection of the Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Tekken. Or anything. Not even my immortal soul.

A/N: Well here it is. Chapter four. Let me tell you something. Writer's block sucks. Um, yeah. On with the story. Today we've got Steve, Jin, Kazuya, Mokujin, Panda, and Kuma.

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_Steve won the Fifth Iron Fist Tournament. Immediately, he went to the Mishima laboratory where he was conceived…_

"ORAH!" Steve shouted, smashing stuff like the cheap boxer he is, "STEVE ANGRY! STEVE SMASH!" he roared. Did I mention that he had also turned big, ugly, and green?

Then suddenly, a guy in a lab coat appeared. "Jerk," he said, "You stole my schtick."

"…Who the heck are you?" Steve asked stupidly.

"I'm Bruce Banner," said the now-revealed-to-be-Bruce-Banner, "And you won't like me when I'm angry!" he said, his voice taking on a deeper tone.

Steve punched him while he was turning green and said, "Your movie sucked. Stop rehashing it here. Ugly mother."

Then Steve got an evil idea. Pouring petroleum over everything, he dropped a match into it. But being an idiot, he forgot to light it.

After several more dropped unlit matches, Steve finally figured out that to make a fire, he would have to light the frickin' match. But by then, the cleaning lady had come, and seeing the mess, dumped Bruce Banner's body (nice alliteration, no?) in the dumpster out back before cleaning up the petroleum with a wet-dry vacuum.

Steve finally dropped a lit match and ran out of the building, without stopping to think how he had gotten out of the place before it had exploded. Which it suddenly did. But not because of the match. Those moronic mafia hitmen went in there and dropped a bomb. But they were stupid and stuck around to see if it would actually go off. Idiots.

Steve grinned an idiot's grin as the building disappeared into the flames behind him. Then he walked into a tree.

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_Jin won the Tournament and freed himself of the Devil Within. Not having to deal with that crappy minigame anymore, he also got rid of his Devil Gene and took over the Mishima Zaibatsu…_

Jin walked down the hall of his new mansion. All around him Tekken Force soldiers saluted, quivering from the fear that he might use his lasers to zap the disrespectful or disobedient soldier's crotch.

"I think I'll make lots of morons think that I'm gay by crossing my legs like my Mom," Jin thought.

Jin sat down, put on a cool face, then took off the Halloween mask and rolled his eyes. Crossing his legs like he always saw his Mom do, he found himself in a miniskirt.

"AUTHOR!" he cried.

What? What's wrong? I thought you were trying to make people think you were gay.

"It was only supposed to be the morons though!"

Whoops. Sorry.

"Aren't you going to give me back my pants?"

Erm, that didn't sound right. Goodbye.

By now, the Tekken Force was in riotous laughter. Jin's Devil Gene came back in that moment as he killed them all. The end.

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Kazuya looked around. He had defeated his Grandfather with ease, and was thinking about how impressive that was. More than it sounds like, I suppose. Suddenly, he looked around. Where had Jinpachi landed after that Lightning Screw Uppercut, anyway?

Finding him still breathing, Kazuya held him in his arms and had a flashback to his childhood when they used to train together, back before Heihachi had locked Jinpachi up and thrown Kazuya off a cliff. Back when Kazuya and Jinpachi were both loving. Back when Wang wasn't a hilarious name. In other words, a long frickin' time ago.

Then suddenly, Jinpachi spoke.

"Kazuya?" he said, "Remember… when you… dressed up as… a devil… for Halloween… when you were about… seven?"

Kazuya nodded with tears in his eyes. "Onii-san…" he said.

"And… remember… when… you dressed as… a princess (at this point Kazuya's eyes grew wide with fear)… when you… were… fourteen?"

"Erm, no," Kazuya said, before quickly killing Jinpachi and running away.

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Mokujin was incredibly, incredibly stupid. Every time he awoke, he felt the need to beat the crap out of his power source. After stupidly killing Jinpachi, he realized too late that he had destroyed the one thing that was keeping him awake. Idiot. Anyway, Mr. Practice Dummy collapsed. Then a beam of sunlight hit him. Earlier he had responded to an infomercial concerning bald practice dummies. This was the shipment. A sprout (literally) of hair started to grow on the long-dead dummy…

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_Panda won the tournament and took control of the Mishima Zaibatsu… Pretty dang good for a bear, neh? _

Panda sat at her desk, looking out of place. Suddenly, the receptionist called in and said, "Ma'am, there's a big bear here who calls himself… um… Bear. Would you like me to send him in?"

Panda make a loud "GROWF!" sound which the receptionist took to mean "YES!" but was actually closer to "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! GETHIMAWAYFROMME!"

Kuma came in, bearing (pun not intending. Really!) flowers and a stupid-looking T-shirt. "I knew you'd come around!" he said, "Now let's pick where to get married!"

Panda screamed and hit a button, sending Kuma to a watery pit known as the New York City subway system.

Two seconds later, Xiaoyu flashed the receptionist and walked in to greet her pet. Being stupid as always, she approached the desk and said, "HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, PANDA! WASSUP! …OOOOOOOOO, WHAT DOES _THIS _ BUTTON DO?"

As Panda repeatedly shook her head and pleaded with Ling not to push it, Ling did. Stupid Ling. Panda ended up in the NYC subway system as well, where Kuma repeatedly tried to rape her. The end.

_This episode narrated by Lee, alias Mr. Thumbsup!_

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_Kuma once again defeated his wimpy adversary, Paul Phoenix, and conquered all of his opponents in his race to the top…_

Kuma was working at his desk when Heihachi flashed the receptionist, thus killing him, and imitated his voice to announce, "Heihachi Mishima to see you sir."

Heihachi then barged in and said, "Kuma! Good bear! You protected the company! Have a biscuit!"

Kuma immediately hit a button, sending Heihachi through an open manhole, into the Japanese sewer system. Or so he thought.

Heihachi grabbed onto the ladder and started climbing up, like in the Tekken 2 opening movie. Just as Kuma leaned back in his chair, Heihachi jumped up and smashed the button down that would open the manhole under Kuma and his chair, turning them into Monty Python-esque caricatures, and sending them to the Japanese sewers.

"Bear's suck at running companies!" he cried, "So there!"

_Once again, narrated by Lee Chaolan, alias Mr. Thumbsup, alias scary token gay of the Tekken series._

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A/N: That's all for now, folks. Remember to read, review, and put me on your favorite authors list. Preferably in that order. I have to watch Baek's ending again, and probably Anna's as well. The next chapter of Severely MessedUp Tekken 5 Endings will feature Lei, Anna, Nina, Baek, Wang, and Julia. Expect it pretty soon. Until next time, sayanora.


	5. DEFAULT CHAPTER FOREVER!

Disclaimer: For the last frickin time, I don't own Tekken!

A/N: Ok, this update wasn't as fast as I had hoped. Sorry people. School started this week and it's really bogging me down. On top of that, I hadn't actually gotten Baek's ending. Not because I couldn't beat it with him, but because I kinda forgot. Oh, and by the way, this chapter is the grand finale. So enjoy the ending antics (ending antics? Where'd I come up with that crap?) of Julia, Baek, Wang (hehe… er, sorry) Anna, Nina, and Lei.

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_Julia won the tournament and took back the forest rejuvenation data. Using the resources of the Mishima Zaibatsu, she set up a lab in the Arizona desert… _

_Unfortunately, the Arizona desert did not prove to be an ideal place for her research… stuff. Julia stayed up late at night, partly to fulfill her dream of reforestation, but mostly so that Ganryu wouldn't rape her. But one time she fell asleep at her desk…_

Julia was in her hooker-esque Native American outfit, walking through a forest, and wondering what she was doing in her underwear in a random rainforest in the freakin' Arizona desert. Then, just as she heard a squeal of delight, seemingly escaping from her mouth, she woke up, only to find Ganryu squealing like a little child with a new toy. She quickly slugged him, easily knocking out the attempted rapist. Running away, she entered the dirt

"PLANT!" she yelled.

Fine, the PLANT room.

"This sucks," she said, "I can't get a single one of these frickin' things to bloom. Stupid marigolds."

Then, walking through the rows of plants, she suddenly saw a small bloom. Picking it up and holding it to her chest, making all the male bugs and bacteria (yes, I know that's not biologically possible (great phrase, ain't it?), but it's my fanfiction, dangit!) go wild. Suddenly she fell back asleep and was in the dream world again, with the container. Which she promptly dropped. You know, cause she was asleep and all? Oh, never mind.

"Oops, hehe…"

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_Baek kicked the crap out of Jinpachi. The old man had four fat lips after Baek was done with him. That last sentence was unbelievably corny. Peter Piper picked platters of pickled peppers._

Ahem. I have now taken my medication. ANYway, Baek was dressed in a pimp suit. Yeah, I don't know what was up with that either. ANYway, just because I like to say ANYway just like that, he was taking a walk somewhere in Korea. Or Japan. Or New York. They all look the same in this game.

ANYway (once again!), he saw Whoraganogian… Hwowarlaijng… BOB facing off against two very scared looking generic who he could have beaten without any trouble. But then Baek called out to Bob, "HI MY-LITTLE-SON-FIGURE-THINGY! I JUST WUB YOU!"

Hwoasdfghjklqwertyuiopzxcvbnm… screw it, Bob, turned redder than his hair. Once the goons had stopped dying from laughter, they started kicking the crap out of Bob. Baek was upset about this, so he went and pimp-slapped them until they had to be hospitalized. Then he literally dragged Bob home by the ear.

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_Wang _(snort!)_ easily defeated his old friend Jinpachi, with moves that he had ripped of f of Michelle and Nina. Except for Mountain Breaker. ANYway, MOVING ON!_

"Jinpachi!" Wang (hee!) cried.

"Hi Mr. Unspeakable-name-because-it-sounds-naughty-and-I'm-an-old-person-and-I-very-stereotypically-don't-like-to-hear-or-say-naughty-  
words-but-you-can-blame-the-stupid-author-for-that-since-we-all-know-that-the-only-reason-he-isn't-saying-your-name-is-because-  
his-parents-are-starting-to-wonder-about-his-spontaneous-laughing-fits!" said Jinpachi

"Eh? What?" W- Mr. Jinrei said, again very stereotypically, "I didn't catch that. You'll have to speak up, sonny-boy!"

"We're the same age, you moron. But fine. I said, 'Hi Mr. Unspeakable-name-because-it-sounds-naughty-and-I'm-an-old-person-and-I-very-stereotypically-don't-like-to-hear-or-say-naughty-  
words-but-you-can-blame-the-stupid-author-for-that-since-we-all-know-that-the-only-reason-he-isn't-saying-your-name-is-because-  
his-parents-are-starting-to-wonder-about-his-spontaneous-laughing-fits!'" said Jinpachi.

"Um, ok."

"So, uh, want to go get a beer down at the Green Fern Bar for Old People who like other old people of the same gender?" Jinpachi said.

"Um, isn't that a gay bar?"

"So?"

"Ah, what the heck. You'll turn to dust when you start to move anyway."

"What? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAILOVEYOUJINREIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Wow, that was unspeakably creepy…"

This from a guy whose name is Wang…

"SHUT UP!"

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_After winning the Tournament, Anna was offered a movie deal centering on the sibling rivalry between her and Nina. She couldn't resist, and apparently neither could Nina. _

Anna and Nina were fighting the climactic battle sequence in which the main attraction was not their skilled handling of their broadswords, but of their scantily clad bodies. Sigh. What are video game endings coming to these days? ANYway, they fought, until they simultaneously performed a final, finishing move. In the end, Nina was left standing, while Anna collapsed.

"What the heck?" the director shouted, "Why in Bob's name aren't you following the script!"

As Nina glared at the director, Anna smiled. Immediately, Nina's clothes fell off.

"Oops…"

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_After winning the tournament, Nina was approached by a movie director. He thought she was a hooker. But as soon as she killed him, she was approached by another movie director. He wanted to make a movie based on her and Anna's sibling rivalry. Sound familiar? Well it should, it's the same as the ending I just finished telling you! Stupid memory-challenged people. _

_Nina wasn't going to do it, but upon hearing that Anna had already accepted, she was persuaded…_

Anna and Nina were fighting the climactic battle sequence in which the main attraction was not their skilled handling of their broadswords, but of their scantily clad bodies. Sigh. What are video game endings coming to these days? ANYway, they fought, until they simultaneously performed a final, finishing move. In the end, Anna was left standing, while Nina collapsed.

As the directors fawned over Anna, Nina lay still. Eventually she got up, but not until she had finished playing with her new bug friend. Walking away, out of the castle where the film was being shot on location, she took out her cell phone and pressed a button.

"We're sorry, the number you have dialed is no longer in service. Please hang up and try again later."

"Oops," said Nina, taking out a TV remote and pressing Power, "Dang, that didn't work either."

She tried a garage door opener and a PlayStation Portable, but neither did what she intended them to do. Then she finally found the detonator and caused the castle to go up in flames, along with Anna and the movie crew, who were still fawning over her. The End.

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Lei won the Tournament in which, for some reason, his FMV voice had an American accent, while his battle voice was exactly the same as his FMV voice in Tekken 4. Are you confused yet? Good.

Anyway, his winning the Tournament didn't affect crap. Seriously. He didn't do jack with the company and the enormous salary that came with it. Loser.

_One day, Lei was tracking down a criminal guy. Go Supahcop GO!_

Lei dodged the criminal-dude's roundhouse kick and then proceeded to imitate various animals, amazing even himself with how "great with kids" he was. Loser.

ANYway, he ended up kicking the criminal-dude in the balls, knocking him out. Handcuffing him, he spoke on the radio in a weirdly American accent.

"Lei Wulong, Supah- I mean SuperCop reporting with neutered criminal in tow," Lei said as the backup singers were singing, "Nana nana nana nana SUPAHCOP!"

Unfortunately, they were on top of a double-decker bus, and Lei ran into a billboard. Haha. Loser.

"FRICKIN' A! THAT HURT!"

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A/N: And that's the grand finale for you! I hope you like it! I can't stop using exclamation points! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Ok, I took more medication, so hopefully I'll stop spazzing out now. Just a couple of things before I sign off on this story for good.

Karisan: I'm glad you think I'm good at humor. It and poetry are all I'm really good at. Seriously. I'm horrible at writing suspense and drama. It always comes out sounding cheesy. I dunno. Maybe I'll try writing a serious story and see if you guys like it. Thanks for the review!

Art-Freak: Thanks for the positive reinforcement! No, of course I don't think you're stupid! All you need to do is work on your grammar a little. Believe me, I've seen much worse.

Finally, I'd like to thank all of you that reviewed. Yes, even those of you that spammed and flamed. Give yourselves a hand, people. You deserve it. You are the people that make this place work. So give it up for:

anonymous

Jarock16

The Great Daryl

DarkLegendVampire

Kite Impulse

krappkarmin

Megami Chaos

Me

Kangaroo Light

oiaghrilaudfhilagfdbilagrefbai

FlamingFenix

WarlockAlpha

Dark Artemis

MooNTeARZ

REgurl

art-freak

karisan

Asuka-Kazama-Mishima-Doo san

I LOVE YOU ALL! And now I'm too drunk to be coherent so, as they say, um, somewhere I'm sure, au revoir.


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